Mankoolai

nostalgicallyjaded asked: Thanks for following. how did you find me?

I just saw this. I am sorry. I saw your blog in my friend’s list of her favorite blogs. So, I visited your site, then, I liked it. Plus, I salute your feistiness as a single mom! :D 

A Question of Worth

God, no one will ever understand how afraid I am to fail a subject, or even to get just a passing grade. (In my mind, this is starting to be a self-pity blog entry. But, I shall avoid that.)

When I was child, I was incapable of doing the things that normal kids do. I never learned how to ride a bike. I was always the “IT” in hide-and-seek. I never won in a badminton game. I never got to perform a song or a dance to an audience except for my family who teasingly cheered for my energy but never for my talent. I always drew crooked lines. I was never the muse in class.

But, I was enthusiastic about everything. I threw the most-epic tantrum of my life when a cousin of mine broke my first bike. I painfully tried to replicate the images in my drawing books. I spent an entire summer memorizing and choreographing Up Town Girl by Westlife. I always felt as a princess with my braids and with my dresses.

My Ina, she always approved of my over-the-top efforts to be like the other kids, the normal ones. She did it not because she thought I wasn’t good enough but because she knew how I hated to be left out.

One day, I got tired of trying and failing, again and again. So, I asked her, “What am I good at?” In my head, I was thinking that it was the hardest question that she ever heard from me. But, she did not even flinched and answered, “Diba, honor student ka? Hindi ba yun talent?” 

All these years, I have been holding on to that belief, I am good enough because I am doing good in school.  It’s the only thing that came out of me naturally. No one ever told me to perform at my best, academic-wise. No one ever inspired me to fall-in love with the tweaks and crooks of books, of words in it . But, I just did, amidst my investing 101% of my effort to learn the normal things. 

Then, college came. It totally crumbled down that belief, in a good and in a bad way.  I met diverse personalities, they taught me that school is not the only paradise I can set my foot in. I can be in two, three, or ten heavens at the same time. But, my heart will always be at school.

Now, I can sense that it’s weakening, feeling threatened of its worthiness there. This is how I am feeling after taking OrgChem. So petty, right? But, my pettiness makes me tremble. What will happen if I lose the thing I am so passionate off just because I was unprepared? Would I ever have the chance to prove my worth? 

God, help me. Ya Alllah, I trust in you. 

Mom

It would be unfair if I wouldn’t write something for the woman who brought me to this world, and continues to bring me into it, for me to learn its ways. This is for you, mom. 

*Insert Future Picture with Mom.*

Dear Mom, 

I may not be the best daughter in the entire Milky Way. I would totally understand if you wished that I was someone else’s. But, I knew, not even at your angriest moment, have you thought of that. Thank you. 

Thank you for pushing me to learn things that I never thought was important. I would never forget the day that you thought me how to pack; dirty clothes should be placed in a plastic, undies should be rolled to save space and well-folded clothes makes room for more. 

Thank you for believing in me despite the countless times that I’ve disappointed you. Even how much I’ll try, I’ll never stop doing so. But, whatever success will come out of my mishaps, it is yours, mom, even though you need nothing out of it. 

Thank you for the tough love. You will continue to let me miss-out the parties, escapades, seminars and overnights that my social life demands me to have, but, it’s okay. I know I am not missing out anything important, you will never let that happen.

Thank you for supporting my dreams, even the whimsical ones. Thank you for giving me a family without making me compromise the other one. Thank you for introducing me what faith is and the right practice of Islam, nothing can ever surpass that.  I can go on and on, but all I want to say is, thank you for being my mother. 

Sorry for being hard on you, these past few days and the previous years. Sorry for making you angry, frustrated, or even disgusted. The hardest pain to bear is knowing that I am making you unhappy. 

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, today, tomorrow and the rest of our lives! I love you. 

-Your Eldest Daughter